Ian's Budget 2011 Predictions (ahem!)

Sore Throats to be taxed

Everyone in UK to receive a free canary (source: typo in original civil service pre-budgie report)

Variable levy on Ogres and Giants living under gap spanning structures (so called Troll Tax)

£100m to fill potholes announced followed by £100m for unemployed to dig holes in road (apologies to G Hoffnung, R Barker et al)

1p Tax on each and every email sent (incredibly a real idea put forward by RMTBobCrow)

Free WiFi for the under 5s

New 10% VAT rate on existing 20% VAT rate reduced by 5% if pass means testing at till (what do you mean, you don’t understand?)

£1.50 Charge on everyone that listens to budget, legislation to take effect at end of this sentence

New Tariff payable by people who leave the tops off pens & tubes of toothpaste (this one will hit my wife hard, but gets my vote)

To reduce deficit: Higher taxes and lower pensions for ALL public sector staff (I say all, not MPs, let’s not get silly about this)

Stamp Duty on property purchase to be called House Tax (idea immediately scuppered by Sir Humphrey)

2021 Census to be replaced by info collection using Tesco Clubcard and Nectar (will give better data)

Exercise Excise to be exorcised

NHS to be rebranded SNH – cost estimated at £5billion, patient care will not be affected

Betting Odds: Most uttered word by chancellor, 7/1 Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (MSWord spellchecker got that!)